The Rise of the Urban Gullrilla!

bristol | the environment | opinion/analysis Thursday July 09, 2009 12:50 by Marius Goubert - Guide2Bristol rudy at guide2bristol dot com

The war against seagulls gets nasty...

Seagulls stalk Bristolians at every turn. These once-benign creatures are locked with us in a power struggle to rule Bristol's Georgian streets. Who will win?

Marius Goubert takes his life in his hands to report from the seagull frontline.

The streets of Bristol crawl with every conceivable threat. From knife wielding criminals, rapists, murderers and carjackers to gangs of drunken thugs who will put you through a shop window should you dare to look at them the wrong way. I cannot fathom how decent Bristolians dare to leave their houses.

When I learned of the latest threat to afflict our unfortunate city, it is hard for me not to question whether this is all just coincidence or something much, much worse. Has a curse suddenly descended upon us? Was Bristol actually built on the site of some ancient burial ground? When our skies begin to fill with ominous congregations of howling sea birds who suddenly descend, firing vomit and faeces at innocent citizens like a feathery scene from ‘Apocalypse Now', I cannot help but wonder.

But before you decide that enough is enough and it's time to get the hell out of Bristol before it becomes a prime location for a remake of ‘The Birds', take heart. One man has risen up, vowing that these attacks by tyrannical urban seagulls must stop.

His name is...well, let's call him ‘John'. Who knows who may be reading? His entire life has been spent in a vicious death grapple with the mad birds, whose bodies are mutated and minds warped by a diet of southern fried chicken and kebabs. Unfortunately for our hero, his stand has come at great personal cost. No longer able to walk the streets in safety and constantly having to look over his shoulder, John has had to come to terms with the fact he is now a marked man.

This was clearly demonstrated when he attempted to describe the gulls behaviour during an interview with a local reporter. The sky suddenly darkened as the gulls sensed their nemesis out in the open. An attack squadron of herring gulls and black-backed gulls began to...

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